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Do you think “Not good enough”? and “I need to fix my flaws”?

May 17, 2017

Does your barbell have “not good enough’ on one end, and ‘fix my flaws’ on the other?

There’s body building. Then there’s this…

Sometimes we get caught up with forcing ourselves to get stronger in weak areas. Noble and worthwhile ambitions. But you will never be passionate here, and it won’t hold your focus. By investing in your strengths, this can be a powerful source for success.

It must be the educator and designer in me, but I love creating learning tools. Here is an easy three step process to concentrate on your most powerful areas. You can use this knowledge to elevate your success.

 

A little homework:

 

  1. Grab yourself an iced tea, relax in your lawn chair in the back yard and make a list. Take stock of your strengths. Answer these questions:
  • “In what areas of life do I feel naturally strong?”
  • “What am I already good at?”
  • “Given that this is a strength, what’s the next level of development with that?”

 

  1. Next, make a list of two to three goals, and the resources that are available to you right now.

 

  1. Then, weave these two lists together, do this in narrative form. This is positively reinforcing what you already have, instead of focusing on what you don’t have, or are striving to get.

 

Sarah’s Example:

Strengths:

  • I make rapid, easy connections with people
  • I have a large network
  • I have infectious positivity
  • I have great communication skills

 

Goals                                                                        

  1. Develop a part time marketing biz;

     With an eye toward taking it full time

  1. Develop a wider network, outside local area
  2. Health goals – start a regular work out routine

Resources

  1. Connections within Professional Business Community
  2. Use national platform I’m already a part of
  3. Connect within network with a health goal partner or workout buddy

 

Her Narrative

I view my strengths as being my soft skills – because I genuinely like people and am an extrovert, I make rapid, easy connections. Because of this, I have a large network. I have been blessed with infectious positivity, and tend to view the world as a friendly place.

 

Because my goal is to develop a part time marketing business, I will need to use my large network of people to begin getting the word out and start creating clients. I know I’ll have to throw the net wider if I’m going to make it a full time business. I realize now I could take on a leadership role with the state chapter of the professional business community that I am now a member of locally. My connections there will be great resources.

 

I realize now that my strengths as a people person might help with my health goals too. I will commit to connect with people who can support me with diet and regular exercise. A personal trainer or workout buddy?

 

P.S.  If you are curious about what your strengths might be, the University of Pennsylvania has a survey you can take. You’ll need to register. ( Look for QUESTIONNAIRES. They offer many surveys, the strengths survey is called VIA Survey of Character Strengths. There is also a shorter version available, Brief Strengths test.) https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/

Onward and Upward!

 

 

 

 

Go for Intense and Brilliant Without Cracking

October 13, 2016

“As soon as I cross the bridge I can relax.” The bridge my Mom was talking about was the Mackinac Bridge, linking the lower peninsula with the lush wilderness of the upper peninsula  of Michigan. Forested, quiet and surrounded by the gorgeously vast Great Lakes.

My sweetheart and I went on a trip to the UP to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We love it there too. I’m grateful to our parents for sharing their love of this beautiful place. Crossing the bridge is an invitation to respond to the beauty, to fall into quiet and just look. Absorb.

Mackinac Bridge at night

We chose to get married in autumn because it is a season of abundance and meaning, different from the generosity of summer. Autumn is  reflective. The colors are intense and brilliant. The shadows are deep. The season is short  — on the verge and ripe.

Our first sighting of the bridge on our camping trips north as kids were cause for excitement. We competed to see it first. This weekend, traveling around the bend then up the hill, we saw it in the distance. We both exclaimed ‘there it is!’ Seeing that impressive structure was the cue to step across the threshold and relax.

“Be intense and brilliant without cracking.”

Finding time to relax is so important. You know this already. You know you can’t work full out for days on end without something cracking. Putting in long days and filling
Finding time to relax is so important. You know this already. You know you can’t work full out for days on end without something cracking. Putting in long days and filling up too short evenings with more work. On those days, do you then find it’s hard to get any good sleep? Do you feel edgy and out of sorts? Vacation is months away. RELAX needs to happen on a daily basis. One of my daily intentions is ’stillness nurtures peace.’ Planting opportunities for stillness and quiet in my calendar every day is important to me. How do you get “RELAX” into your daily schedule? If you’re hungry for help with this, read on for an extended conversation.

 

TIPS TO GET TO THE AAAHHH ZONE

 

Do you eat your lunch at your desk? Taking a lunch break away from your desk serves a larger purpose than just getting fuel into your body; it is a vital pause. Art Markman, PhD, author and Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas explains: “When you walk away from a problem and think about something else, your memory resets. The ideas that dominated your thinking recede from your thoughts. The memories that were inhibited before, gradually become more accessible. If your thoughts return to the problem after a pause, those other memories now have a chance to influence your thinking.”

 

Feeling overwhelmed or lacking creative fuel? A 2014 Stanford study says you could walk it out: changing the scenery can change your perspective, pump oxygen into you brain and muscles and give you a power boost. It’s the mini version of a vacation. A 10 minute walk can revive your spirits. If you can’t get outside, take a walk through the hallway, up the stairs, just move your body through any space available. There are lots of yoga poses that can be done from a sitting position, if that’s all you have.

 

Resting in the evening is a vitally important physical and mental resource that frequently gets shortchanged. Ariana Huffington has been making it one of her missions to change American attitudes about this for several years.

“I love the idea of rekindling the romance with sleep.” – Ariana Huffington

 

I agree. There is nothing smart about exhaustion. A commitment to rest and an evening routine are important.  Make it a priority to relax and restore yourself with enough sleep every evening. Set a bedtime for yourself (so you get 8+ hours of sleep), Turn off all digital devices to limit the barrage of information overload, and leave them out of the room (parents of teens can adapt this tip).  A hot bath or shower will wash away the workday ‘dynamic’ before you put on your jammies. Watching a screen to fall asleep is a no no. Read instead.

 

The cue is the cue. Seeing the bridge was our cue to relax. Leaving your desk for lunch is the cue for your brain to open the aperture wide. Moving your body, and breathing deeply is your body cue to disconnect from static and engage with the kinetic. Shutting down your smartphone and laptop is your cue to rest and restore in the evening away from digitized overstimulation. You will develop your own rituals of relaxation to cue your brain that something special is coming  –  to retreat into the ahhh zone.

Ready to Take Action?

May 25, 2016
(For the last several weeks, I have been sharing some tips gleaned from many years of working with people who are motivated to grow through challenge. Week One was Getting to Yes. Week Two, answered the question “You’ve Said Yes, Now What?” Today, the last in this series is all about Action.)

Jen had gotten this far. Years of frustration collided and she knew she had had enough. She had to do something different. Time for a change.

She worked to define what that meant. But how to make that happen? I’ll share the strategies that Jen and I employed to move her from passion into purpose. I think they might work for you too.

Do something. Now. And Later.  

Jen and I had done research together, and she was now clear on what she wanted. I then coached her through a series of questions to help clear her mind as to what next steps she should take.

– What three steps can you take to make this desire a reality right now?  When I asked Jen this question, she looked into space for a few moments, and then, bingo! She knew what to do first! Small steps or large, it is good to get right into it, plant your feet firmly in the doing. This energizes you and builds momentum. Finish those three steps, and then ask yourself, what’s the next best thing to do? Then do it.

– What strengths or resources could you tap into to overcome any obstacles that might arise? Roadblocks will arise, it is inevitable. You will be stopped by them, unless you’ve already identified what strengths and resources you could call on to get you through. For Jen, she called on the resource of coaching to get things to happen faster. What resources do youhave to call upon? Make a list of your resources and strengths. It helps to affirm your positive attributes when things get hard.

– What is your confidence level on a scale of 1-10 that you will accomplish your goals? This is key. Is your confidence below a 10? What would it take to get to a 10? If you don’t have confidence in yourself in regards to this project, have confidence in your potential.)

As your Coach, my job is to ask a lot of questions. They’re not questions to satisfy my own curiosity, but questions to help you build understanding and grow into your own spectacular potential. So here’s my next question. What’s next for you?

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After You Say Yes, Then What?

May 20, 2016

If you read last week’s article (Are You Being Invited?),  we talked about the power of YES. Affirm the bold stirring from within that urges you to create something new  — Is it time for a job change?……. Feel like you can’t get organized?…… Is a relationship not working?….. Worried about the prospect of the empty nest?.… Or  that other adult rite of passage, retirement. Whatever it is, you decide it’s time to acknowledge the dissatisfaction that’s been sitting in the pit of your stomach. This itch just has to be scratched.  No more tolerating. The time is now. YES. It’s time to set an intention for new. I promised I would share what to do after you scratch that itch —  the next steps to change, this week…..

Phase Two is all about gaining clarity specific to what that change IS. What it looks like. And that depends on where you want to end up. To get there, answer a few questions for yourself.

Take 15 minutes or so, and do a little stream of consciousness writing. If you don’t know what that is, drop me a line and we’ll work together.

  1. First question to answer — “What’s the issue?”  What niggling thing keeps you awake at night? What do you complain about most with people you trust? Does this question ring true for you — “I feel that time is running out for ___?”
  1. “Imagine that you have what you want.” What do you see? Stream of consciousness again. Let your imagination soar, describe your deepest wishes. If there were no obstacles, what would you do? Tap into that place and let yourself dream.
  1. Next, answer for yourself — “What is standing in the way of getting what you want?” Is it other people? Is it financial worries? Is it loyalty to someone or something else? Is it inertia? List all of those roadblocks.

This is your work for the next week. To dig deep. Imagine that you are flying high. Make a note of all the stuff in the way. That’s it. Next week, Last Step, we’ll make the plan.

 

Two Faced

January 14, 2016

Masses of Lego pieces were piled high. My little Florida sweetheart was intent on choosing just the right part to match the fantastic machine he would engineer. Lego’s are the perfect toy, they connect the maker with zillions of possibilities. This led me to thinking about connections……….

Screenshot 2016-01-06 17.45.56

 

January. Named for the Roman god Janus — the god of the doorway. Janus has two faces, one facing backwards and one facing forwards. This month is a time of transitions. As we flow into a new year, new possibilities, we pass over a threshold between past, present and future. Whether you commit to New Year’s resolutions, embrace evolutions or plant your flag in a personal revolution, now is the time to step through the door way and imagine what could be possible. How? Connect.Screenshot 2016-01-06 17.51.04

Connect
To yourself — Carve out one hour, and re-focus. If you’re like me, November/December was full of distracting activities. Take 60 minutes, and spend that in reflection. What were your accomplishments last year? What was left undone? Then…

Connect to your intentions for 2016 — how do you want to EVOLVE this year?

Next, how does that connect to your life — how can you plug-in your intentions? Integrate them into your everyday activities?

Clear intentions are good, but you must connect them to action — What small steps make sense to begin with?

Importantly, connect to others — gather your board of support. Evolution has greater success when shared with trusted people.

And then, stay connected – by frequently revisiting your big picture intentions.

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The Secret Behind Every Decision

December 8, 2015

“I think I’m depressed” Tom (not his real name) said quietly over his coffee cup. Indeed, he looked sad. I urged him to tell me what was going on. As the story unfolded, Tom said that he was having trouble feeling good about his decisions. He blamed poor decision-making on his lack of a big bank account and a more prestigious career. His father, mother and sister were all very accomplished people. He was sure there was something wrong with him, that he couldn’t do the same.

The Secret Behind Every Decision

Tom’s story included the fact that he was a good Dad to two daughters. His marriage had broken up when the girls were young. From the tenor of his story, I had a feeling that Tom had not made poor decisions. But that his values shaped his behavior and choices, values he wasn’t aware of. I knew that if I could help Tom discover what values drove his past decisions, he would feel a lot better about himself, and that would inform all future decisions.

Values are the principles that you live your life by. Too often, we are unable to identify what is really important for us. We don’t live our lives in alignment with our values, and then wonder why we feel unbalanced or things aren’t working. To honor your values means to create and live your life in such a way that there is nothing in the way of living them. This leads to a life lived with integrity.

The compass that sets your course are your core values. Those core values direct all of your life choices and every aspect of your behavior. Core values are defined by you. They are:

  • Something that is regarded as important.
  • Standards of behavior.
  • Beliefs, ideals.
  • Guidelines of worth.
  • Principles that guide conduct.
  • Seen as intrinsically desirable, valuable.

Values are easily squashed by needs, shoulds and problems.

Needs. ..Shoulds. ..Tolerations. ..Unresolved matters. ..Addictions… Irresponsibility. Stress… Fantasies. ..Roles. ..Money. …Obligation/Duty……..

Until this list is handled, values orientation is difficult to do, because most people have values and needs confused. Their needs are so great that they overshadow their values. This circumstance makes living a values based life and setting values based goals unsustainable. A Values based life brings fulfillment.

Some examples of values: Accomplishment, Discipline, Social Recognition, Spirituality, Taking risks, Tradition, Wealth, Creativity.

Tom did a values assessment with me, and discovered that family and responsibility were much stronger values for him than affluence. Tom had been comparing himself to others and in his mind he hadn’t measured up. A man with a prestigious career and a big bank account was the role he imagined he was supposed to play. For Tom, the discovery that he had made the choice to work at jobs that would be best for his family, jobs that allowed him to be the kind of Dad he wanted to be, brought him great relief. That knowledge paved the way to making peace with the past, feeling satisfaction for the present, and empowered about the future.

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Swap Out Stress for Moxie

October 27, 2015

Sitting with my coffee cup in my hands one cold morning,I was reminiscing about the good old days. One day in particular, a long time ago. I ran a small preschool, it was a work day. I was sick as a dog but couldn’t take the day off. I was shaken awake by my two kids — fighting on my bed. And it was my birthday. Ahh, the good old days.

I’ve been talking to bunches of people who are stressed. In these conversations I can feel the anxious energy rising up like an electrical charge. This can’t be healthy. And it isn’t the way they want to live. Stress is a boomerang that flies at them and steals away control. Lack of control comes in the spectre of demands from others, bad news pop ups, the have to do list that spams the want to do list. Maybe kids fighting on your bed when you’re too sick to raise your head off the pillow.

-If compassion doesn't include yourself it is incomplete.- (3)

Wait, don’t put your head under the pillow. (So tempting when your little angels are exhibiting a flash of ugliness on your comforter). And don’t let stress tie a rope around you and whip you around. Tie on a carpenters belt, stuff some tools in the pockets, and get back to doing your beautiful thing. Harness that energy. Here are your tools:

Tool #1: Step away for a moment. Take a deep cleansing breath. This act alone will create some space. Bonus? You can control this. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat until you feel a sense of control returning. Simple. Powerful.

Tool #2: Information. Ask some questions. ‘If it’s a bad news pop up, ask — ‘What information do I need to handle this?’ Then get it. Another question: ‘What resources do I need to give myself some ease?’ Then follow through. If it’s a ‘I have to do list’ that’s longer than the ‘I want to do’ list, you’ve got to change that up. Go immediately, schedule something that makes you smile and put it on your calendar. Other, demanding people? Ask yourself, “What’s my stuff? What belongs to someone else?” Highly responsible people (that’s you) have a tendency to accept other people’s stuff and take it on as their own. It’s not. Give it back if that’s the case.

Tool #3: A shaker of endurance combined with a bit of moxie. Tell yourself, “This anxiety is trying to tell me something. Am I afraid I can’t handle what’s been thrown at me?” Remind yourself of all the tough stuff you’ve handled in the past. You’ve got this too. “Am I losing myself in this (job, relationship, etc.)?” Maybe feeling stress is a wake up call to make some big changes.

Tool #4: Do something nice for yourself. Small. Large. It doesn’t matter. I know when I was sleeping at the hospital when my Mom was sick, after one particularly stressful week, I came home and immediately scheduled a foot massage. It was one blissful hour, and it helped me change perspective, and take care of myself so I could take care of my Mom.

Tool #5: Groupies. Surround yourself with positive, loving, supportive people. If it’s a work situation that is full of negativity, it’s especially important to seek out uplifting people.

Don’t get sidelined by stress and anxiety. All that does is suck your energy and give you a negative charge. Stress and it’s cousin anxiety are part of life. Keep your power tools handy.

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Multi Tasking Between Summer and Fall

September 15, 2015

Smell it in the air? The aroma of autumn. And with it, transition. We switch from summer activities to fall chores. From vacation mode to work mode. In the morning do you reach for your wool sweater, but by afternoon are you stripping to your tee shirt?  I’ve been hearing conversations that remark on the difficulties of bringing focus back. To changes begun in June and then stalled by July — before August vacations, summer pleasures, and houseguests being shown around town. Is this where you are too?

Honeycomb (2)

This reminded me of research being done on multi tasking and the brain. Turns out multi tasking is largely a myth. We are incapable of doing 2 things at once that require executive functions (the same part of the brain). But we are good at switching back and forth. When switching to a new task, we have to pause, then commit.

The pause is what the first weeks of September are about. This is your chance to use the breathing space between summer mode and the autumn seasonal shift to re-focus. To make the transition easier, follow these suggestions:

1. Take a moment and review your goals from spring. Are these still important to you? Are there any you want to let go of?

2. Where are your interests being drawn now?

3. What ‘energy drainers’ are you noticing? Have there been changes these last 8 months that need attending to?

4. What would you determine are your major challenges? Are you ready to tackle them?

September ushers in days of higher energy that can galvanize development. The distinct shift in the season can give you renewed purpose and focus. Opportunity awaits.

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Aid for the Confounded

June 26, 2015
So you want to take some action, but with so many variables  piling up, even the most dedicated mathematician would throw in the chalk. Like a restaurant menu with 300 entrees, you have too many choices,  which makes choosing impossible — ironic isn’t it? Then you figure, every choice has a consequence. And when you start calculating that out?  You’re tangled into knots, you cry, and then you quit. Back where you began.
Being stuck feels awful. Stuck in a job? Stuck in a relationship that makes you unhappy? Stuck in boredom? Stuck in a cycle of soul sucking hyperactivity. Should I marry that guy? Should I retire? Should I take that job across the country? Should I get a divorce?
Stymied. Stumped. Stuck. But thinking about the alternatives gives you hives.Screenshot 2015-06-24 16.11.32
Surprise! This type of itch is a good thing. Because noticing the ick of stuck is the message you have been waiting for. When things get really uncomfortable, the energy begins to shift from inertia to response. There is a tipping point. And you are now leaning in the positive column. Don’t just think about it or worry about it. Make a plan for how you’re going to deal with it. Then do something about it. What to do? Here are a few ideas:
1. Dedicate some extra time to thinking and planning. Take yourself off on sabbatical for the weekend. Start making notes of all the possibilities. Remove all the ‘shoulds’. Include all the ‘wants’. Then zero in on the ideas that make your heart sing.
2. Get some coaching so you get a shortcut to the most effective strategies. (Of course I would suggest this. But I suggest it because my clients tell me it works. I’m here to be of service.)
3. Read some books written by folks who have ‘been there’ or have practical advice. There are lots of self help books with proven track records. Google your topic, see what comes up. Ask your friends for suggestions. Do a Facebook poll.
4. If it’s a relationship problem, seek a mediator or counselor (if all parties in the relationship are agreeable). If it’s a financial issue, enlist a financial advisor. There are great resources out there that are free too. Getting help before it becomes a crisis relieves a lot of stress.
5. If it’s a career decision you want to make, think about people you could reach out to in your circle who would be helpful. By talking with people you trust and have perspective, you can gather more information to help you make good decisions.
Any of these ideas are good. Just do something. Being so indecisive feels awful. Recognizing “this is me stuck”, is seeing the road sign. Let ‘stuck’ direct you to the first step. Now, get going.

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A RADICAL IDEA

June 5, 2015
-Where there is love, there is life-  --As you read these words, I’m wondering how they will make you feel. Curious? Mystified? Uncomfortable? Nauseated? I love a good juicy coaching question, and this one is sure to provoke some response.

“What would love do now?”

I’m sure you’ve noticed, there is a lot of strife in the world. Some of it in our own backyard. This friction is all caused by ‘other people’. These ‘other people’ could be family members, close friends, bosses, co – workers, neighbors, any member of your community that you have to interact with. Relationships can be fraught with tension, disappointment, sadness, angst. Someone in your circle has wounded you with a snide comment. Or your boss just unleashed a bucket of ugliness on you. Has your teenage child disappointed you? A neighbor who is an irritant? Relationships are a messy business and we all have been involved in some kind of strained relationship. What do you do when emotions run high?

Step outside the tense space for a few moments and hit the pause button. Draw an imaginary circle around yourself. Breathe. The inside of this circle contains you and your experience. Extend compassion toward yourself.

1. Ask the question, “What would love do now?” Love in this case is an action word, a verb, and the first course of action is to love yourself. Go ahead. Even if it feels weird.  Would loving yourself be finding a new job? Would love be telling you to get some help to cope with that teenager? Would love direct you to take a compassionate stand for yourself? Get a massage?

2. Then, secondly, the most radical part of this action “what would love do now” is directing that action toward the person contributing to this stress or tension. Release the need to engage with this tension. Love would ask you to see that person as separate from you. Outside the container of your own experience. They have their own personal perspective that directs their behavior. They are not ‘doing to you’, but acting out of their own experience of the world, separate from your experience. Love might ask you to have a sit down talk with your boss, empathic, non judgmental, asking for their point of view. Love might ask you to send a card to your sister simply stating your warm wishes to her. You get the picture.

3. Then, release these loving actions. Because people respond from their own experience, and you are not in control of that. They may accept what you say or do, or push it away. That is not your business or about you. But because you are separate, you don’t have a need to control their response. There is tremendous freedom in this.

So pause and ask yourself “What would love do now?” And begin with yourself.

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