coaching

Sprint or Marathon? Some Tips for the Winding Road

May 22, 2018

When running a sprint, you need both an initial burst of power and sustained speed. You can blow out with everything you’ve got, and pour it on all the way. But if you try to do that with a marathon, you’ll burn up everything you have in the first hour and will be left without the juice to make it to the finish line.

So it is with life. More of a marathon than a sprint, right?

You’re in it to finish, with a bit of glory, a narrative of flourishing, and your trophy (re: legacy) at the end. A legacy of love – accomplishment – purpose. So it’s time to leave behind the mentality of sprinters, and embrace the mindset of a marathoner.

You don’t go straight from 0-50, from the couch to the race. Preparing for a marathon is to  think of your goals as a kind of graceful step ladder– you put your foot You don’t go straight from 0-50, from the couch to the raceon the first step, and find the second, and move at a thoughtful pace — feel comfortable, then move on. Prepare, warm up, practice, measure — it’s a gradual process. Do you expect yourself to be perfect straight out of the gate? To be able to ‘do it all’ immediately?

To continue the metaphor, let’s consider the strategies that marathoners use..

Link with others who will encourage you when the going gets tough.

Pace yourself.

Be aware of your limits and plan accordingly.

Practice gradually upping your tempo to increase your capacity, slowly over time.

Make sure you take time to Rest and Recover.

I think our expectations of ourselves is to push, pour it on, and go at life like it is a sprint. When the reality is, that kind of tactic will cost you the race.

Change your outlook, and you can cross the finish line with your resilient spirit flying high.

 

Is Your Hero Hiding?

March 1, 2018

I grew up in a culture that revered humility. Doing good anonymously. Anyone who called attention to themselves with pride in their work was spoken of with scorn. The message was clear. Don’t draw attention to yourself. Do good, but keep a low profile.

But the paradox is, you can’t do your good work in the world unless people know. So I have worked on my discomfort around sharing my own accomplishments. And I encourage others to get comfortable there too. Which leads me to this…. Three stories. Of women who weren’t afraid of change. Who instinctively knew that change — upsetting the status quo, was exactly the thing to do. They were not afraid of hard work. Or the disappointment that might come with venturing out there into new territory. In our work together we had moments though, when it was hard for each of them to acknowledge their strengths, to feel good about their special skills, to confidently talk about their value in a job interview —  and to ask for more money. They grew into being confident in those areas.

Three Hero Stories

Kate was running a successful local business. Although it paid the bills, she knew it wasn’t a career. But because it paid the bills, she put up with it, for a while. There came a point when she knew the clock was ticking, and it was time to do a 360. After we worked together for a while, she uncovered her true passion, her life’s work, and with guidance began taking actions toward her dream. Today she is working in a job she loves, in a vibrant city that ‘feeds her’ and she is even taking on leadership roles. She answered the call to leave comfort behind for awhile, and seek adventure (because that’s what heroes do).

Megan had mad skills, but was working in a job that was not challenging. When she talked with me she described her role as ‘being a piece of the machinery’. After we dove in, she saw the shape of her desire, and it was not doing the work she thought she was supposed to do. We coupled that with her strengths, and she began designing her next career move. Megan is ambitious, and has already landed the first job up her career ladder. For her, the hero’s journey is just beginning, and she knows what will sustain her along the way.

Emily might call herself a ‘failure to launch’ statistic. After she graduated from college, she moved back to her hometown when no dream job offer came calling. She began working in the first job that came her way back home, and before she knew it she was very good at her job — AND miserable. Her dreams were being submerged, they looked farther and farther away. She was afraid they just might disappear. Within six weeks of our work together, Emily had connected her dreams to real actions, then actions into opportunities. After wrapping up her life here in the midwest, she’s enjoying success and happiness in Seattle.

All three of these women worked very hard. They were willing to say yes, and to be coached. They invested in themselves. I asked them tough questions, gave them assignments to explore deeper. I asked them to do things outside their comfort zones like asking for more money when job offers came in. They continued to show up and follow through. They kept going. Answering the call to adventure and going forward with perseverance is what hero’s all have in common.

Empowering people and connecting you to your dreams and desires is what coaching is all about. Helping you become the hero of your own story.

Can you be your own hero?

What are you waiting for?

Are You 1. Brilliant or 2. A Fraud. A Multiple Choice Question

February 18, 2016

Sitting carefully in the formal living room, I surveyed the richly furnished surroundings. This was living room # 2, completely decorated in several variations on the color white. I was feeling like I didn’t belong.

I was at a committee meeting, one I was asked to be on, working with academics, engineers, and other highly educated people. The thoughts that were zooming around my head were deadly. “They are going to find out I’m not as smart as they think I am.” “They are sure to see how unsophisticated I am.” “ I’m just flat out unworthy to be here.” “I’m a fraud.” Truth be told? That same narrative tape begins its reel in my head every time I’m in a new situation. After working with hundreds of clients, I know that this phenomenon is just about universal. And what I also know, there is a way to make that disagreeable scenario disappear. You can stop it cold. Screenshot 2015-09-30 14.05.15

I recently read this story. Every year, students in the incoming class at Stanford Business School are asked, “How many of you feel that you are the one mistake that the admissions committee made?” And every year, about two-thirds of the students raise their hands.

Now this is curious, because getting into a top-notch program is not easy. A high GPA, excellent scores on the GMAT and strong letters of recommendation from prominent professors and professionals are necessary. High achievers who succeed academically on tests and grueling internships are in that classroom. Yet, despite this, the majority of students who achieve their goal of admission to this program seriously doubt they deserve to be there.

Screenshot 2015-09-30 13.56.07The story isn’t limited to students. Research done on every level of successful professional comes up with the same number. 70% of all high achieving people describe feeling unqualified, like a fraud, in spite of many significant achievements. This behavior has many names — fraud factor, impostor phenomenon. First described by psychologists Suzanne Imes, PhD, and Pauline Rose Clance, PhD, in the 1970s. Defined as “a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt, and feelings of intellectual fraudulence.” Feel familiar?

It goes something like this: “I’m here, sure, but they’re going to find out I’m (Fill in the blank)” “ I’m here just by dumb luck” “ I’m not smart, in fact, I’m really stupid. Didn’t I just do something stupid yesterday?” “ If they knew of my other imperfections, they wouldn’t have invited me here.” I could go on….

These thoughts hold you back from fully enjoying life. From completely embracing success. The impostor phenomenon appears when you are embarking on a new endeavor outside your ‘zone of comfort’. I think it is a trick from our psyche to keep us safe, in a way. A primitive warning signal that we are about to do something different and we should be wary. But this warning signal triggers shame and vulnerability too.

Take heart. There are ways to change the story going on in your head.

1. Recognize that just about everyone have these feelings. You are not alone.

2. Give yourself credit for stepping outside your comfort zone to try something new. Credit also, for all of your past achievements.

3. Allow yourself to be imperfect.

4. Understand that this is some part of your unconscious, trying to keep you safe. Acknowledge this. Then give yourself permission to go ahead anyway.

5, Another permission granted: Give yourself permission to congratulate yourself fully for growing and developing, Step into a new and more abundant reality. Because you really are wonderful, and the world needs to have that!

Sign up to get free access to more tips and inspiration,So You Can Succeed and Thrive!

Are you ready to commit to upping your game, make significant change and transform your challenges into gold? It’s free to get started! Get access here

Swap Out Stress for Moxie

October 27, 2015

Sitting with my coffee cup in my hands one cold morning,I was reminiscing about the good old days. One day in particular, a long time ago. I ran a small preschool, it was a work day. I was sick as a dog but couldn’t take the day off. I was shaken awake by my two kids — fighting on my bed. And it was my birthday. Ahh, the good old days.

I’ve been talking to bunches of people who are stressed. In these conversations I can feel the anxious energy rising up like an electrical charge. This can’t be healthy. And it isn’t the way they want to live. Stress is a boomerang that flies at them and steals away control. Lack of control comes in the spectre of demands from others, bad news pop ups, the have to do list that spams the want to do list. Maybe kids fighting on your bed when you’re too sick to raise your head off the pillow.

-If compassion doesn't include yourself it is incomplete.- (3)

Wait, don’t put your head under the pillow. (So tempting when your little angels are exhibiting a flash of ugliness on your comforter). And don’t let stress tie a rope around you and whip you around. Tie on a carpenters belt, stuff some tools in the pockets, and get back to doing your beautiful thing. Harness that energy. Here are your tools:

Tool #1: Step away for a moment. Take a deep cleansing breath. This act alone will create some space. Bonus? You can control this. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat until you feel a sense of control returning. Simple. Powerful.

Tool #2: Information. Ask some questions. ‘If it’s a bad news pop up, ask — ‘What information do I need to handle this?’ Then get it. Another question: ‘What resources do I need to give myself some ease?’ Then follow through. If it’s a ‘I have to do list’ that’s longer than the ‘I want to do’ list, you’ve got to change that up. Go immediately, schedule something that makes you smile and put it on your calendar. Other, demanding people? Ask yourself, “What’s my stuff? What belongs to someone else?” Highly responsible people (that’s you) have a tendency to accept other people’s stuff and take it on as their own. It’s not. Give it back if that’s the case.

Tool #3: A shaker of endurance combined with a bit of moxie. Tell yourself, “This anxiety is trying to tell me something. Am I afraid I can’t handle what’s been thrown at me?” Remind yourself of all the tough stuff you’ve handled in the past. You’ve got this too. “Am I losing myself in this (job, relationship, etc.)?” Maybe feeling stress is a wake up call to make some big changes.

Tool #4: Do something nice for yourself. Small. Large. It doesn’t matter. I know when I was sleeping at the hospital when my Mom was sick, after one particularly stressful week, I came home and immediately scheduled a foot massage. It was one blissful hour, and it helped me change perspective, and take care of myself so I could take care of my Mom.

Tool #5: Groupies. Surround yourself with positive, loving, supportive people. If it’s a work situation that is full of negativity, it’s especially important to seek out uplifting people.

Don’t get sidelined by stress and anxiety. All that does is suck your energy and give you a negative charge. Stress and it’s cousin anxiety are part of life. Keep your power tools handy.

New to this newsletter? Sign up here to get free tips, motivation and inspiration, So You Can Succeed and Thrive!

Are you ready to commit to upping your game, make significant change and transform your challenges into gold? It’s free to get started! Get access here

Guidelines for Making Good Career Decisions

June 11, 2015

It All Depends On Where You Want to Go

The road is a long one between North Carolina and Michigan. We had taken a detour on a whim. Just as we approached our exit to go west, we veered east instead. We were curious to see the scenic coastal city of Wilmington. When we were back in the car pointed west again, GPS broadcasted the disconcerting news ‘12 hours and 25 minutes’ to get home, I felt a surge of discouragement. Navigating our way to Florida to be with family was exciting. That part of the trip was fun with anticipation. Then, by wandering and wobbling along the road back, it felt like we had gotten sidetracked, pulled off course.
The perils of getting sidetracked.  A client was having a problem we all would envy.She had been sought out for a job in another department at the university she worked for. A promotion and a raise. The HR Manager called her out of the blue, told her that her work and accomplishments had been noted by the Dean’s Office — “She was a top-tier employee”. They wanted her to come work for them.
Wow! …… and then Whoa, Wait a Minute! My client was hesitating for several reasons. One, she was happy in her present job. She had not been seeking a change. Two, she knew her boss counted on her and he would be upset if she left. She felt a strong sense of loyalty. (But she also knew her boss respected her, and wanted the best for her.) Three, the new job included many unknowns. But then, here was an opportunity being offered to her? Should she take it? As we continued to talk, I asked her some thought-provoking coaching questions.

1. Did she enjoy challenging, sometimes difficult work, or did she need a job where she knew what to expect? (The answer to that was she loved solving problems, and challenging work).

2.Was her present job one she saw herself staying in until she retired? (No. She knew lots of people at the university who were content, comfortable, but she liked to do ‘what’s next’. She loved her present job, but upon thinking, she didn’t want to end her career there.)

3. So the next question was, “What do you see as your optimal career path, your dream position?”

4. And does this job that has been offered to you, fit into that picture?

It all depends on where you want to go. Being very clear about that makes all the difference in where you end up.
Her career path doesn’t have to be haphazard and dependent on the decisions or whims of others. She is empowered to create her own way.
Where do you want to go? That is the question that will lead you to making decisions about your next step.

ENJOY this post? Sign up for regular tips, inspiration, good deals (and freebies) by signing up!  click here.

Please. Stop Being an Adult

May 4, 2015

SPEND A few hours with children, and you’ll learn how to be a Grown Up

For all the training, education and professional development that we adults engage in, sometimes we forget the most essential lessons. I don’t have the privilege often enough of being in the company of kids. When I am, I am reminded of how difficult I make life for myself. Here is what I learned from hanging out with some spunky pre-schoolers.

1. Stop not being in the moment. 

I took a walk around the block with one of our little sweethearts. Moment by moment, his eyes and mind would capture interesting bumps in the sidewalk, a bumble bee hanging out with the begonias, a mysterious lock thrown into the bushes, and a hidden brick pathway. His delight and joy forced me to stop my own mind from racing into the future, worrying about problems that couldn’t be solved by thinking, creating mental to-do lists, manufacturing anxiety. This is what I learned: I spend too much time in unproductive worry. By letting go of that, I make room for contentment –which promotes a feeling of well being, which in turn is productive. A deeply philosophical education as taught by a 3 year old. So, take a moment, breathe in. What do you notice right here, right now?Screenshot 2015-05-04 15.01.25

2. Everyone just wants to be heard and understood.

Our little guy would get very sad and cry when his Dad would leave for work in the morning. Because he didn’t have the language for his feelings, emotion came out through tears. His tears said what he had no words for — my world is unpredictable and I’m having trouble dealing with it. I have those moments too, do you? When is the last time you encountered a cranky co-worker, cashier, or family member or random person in traffic and wondered, “What is up with her today!” or “Gosh he is such a jerk!” If you really stop to think about it, you have no idea what led to that outburst. We’re all human, we’ve all gone through difficult break ups, job loss, sickness — the world is an unpredictable, scary place.  Bottom line: Learning the language to communicate feelings is an important skill. Acknowledging those emotions makes us feel better, and helps us handle anything that comes our way. We’re all connected, every human deserving of compassion.

3. Watch out for dog poop!

Little kids have dog poop radar. Unfortunately, I forget to look out. I was jogging along in the grass while our little beauty rode her bike. By the time we got back to the house and kicked our shoes off, there was a powerful doggie odor coming from me, and the kids were the first to notice. I hadn’t been paying attention to where I was going and I’d walked right into it! I started to get irritated with the irresponsible pet owners in the neighborhood. But the kids started laughing, then showed me where the hose was, and laughed some more. Pretty soon I saw the joke too.

Screenshot 2015-05-04 15.06.12

My takeaway: Walking down the path of life, you’re going to step in a lot of doo doo. But don’t fret, just clean it up, and laugh it off.

4. Sometimes you need to let go of ‘THE PLAN’.

I’m a good one for coming up with ‘projects’, then getting frustrated when they don’t go according to prescription. Being with children is the best antidote to rigid thinking. Just try to plan out exactly how things should go with young ones.  We were making a birthday cake in the kitchen, each kid had a job. One would pour the milk in. One would wash the strawberries. I knew just how to do it. But pretty soon, the kids were getting ‘creative’ and next were eating strawberries behind my back. My first thought was ‘This cake is never going to get made!’ that thought was quickly followed by “We are having fun in the kitchen, making memories”.

I’ve had the same experience at large events with adults. I create an agenda, I know how everything should go, what experience everyone should have.  And then, people don’t behave according to my plan. I get upset and defeated. Everyone ends up cranky, complaining or quitting. This is what I have learned: When I lay out all the materials, design an open/safe/fun environment,  empower all participants, AND THEN LET GO, magic can happen. People need to be free to have their own experience.

Give yourself permission to be a kid sometimes. Full of wonder, full of surprises, full of laughter, full of curiosity. And magic can happen. 

If you would like to find out more about working with me , Find out how here.

If you found this post helpful, sign up for my free e-zine. Articles designed to be Positive Practical and Inspired to help you Succeed and Thrive! Click Here 

A Cup of Coffee with a Side of Self Sabotage

April 16, 2015
It was painful to listen to………..
As I sat working and sipping my coffee in a cafe, I overheard two people nearby. It was obvious immediately that there was a job interview going on. (Yep, poor manners for that manager to interview someone in a public place.) The woman being interviewed was asked what she would be bringing to the job. When she was unable to answer this question, my heart sank. I wanted to slip a note to her, “Call me. I can help you get in touch with your strengths so you nail the next interview.” 
I don’t know anything about this woman’s situation. Why she was unprepared for this interview. What prevented her from seeing her value and sharing that with this employer. But I am acquainted with self sabotaging behavior. And from the next table, that’s what this sounded like.
Self sabotage occurs when our conscious mind and our subconscious mind are in a struggle with each other. We don’t really have two minds, but we do have different aspects of our one mind. They each have a role to play. That’s why when we move toward something we want, our behavior doesn’t always follow along…….

“The conscious mind determines the actions, the unconscious mind determines the reactions; and the reactions are just as important as the actions.” ~E. Stanley Jones

Neuroscientists and Psychologists argue about the distinctions of ‘conscious’ and ‘subconscious (unconscious) mind. This is my observation of human behavior over years of experience.
Our rational mind may say “I want to do x,y and z.”  So you begin to do x, y and z. However, x, y and z may be outside our comfort zone. All kinds of roadblocks begin to show up. This is our subconscious reacting to the ‘new’, saying, ‘Whoa! Danger! Slow Down! — or run in the other direction!” Whatever aspect of the ‘NEW’ triggers this response, the subconscious has a job to do. Keep the Status Quo. Security and safety. If you are making plans for change, but blocks keep appearing, the problem could be YOU. 
What to do? Awareness of our emotional life is key. Paying attention to how you are feeling as you step out into untried territory. So is acknowledging the roles of our conscious and subconscious mind that are in dynamic relationship with each other.  Asking yourself the questions, “What is this situation trying to tell me?” “Where do I feel fearful?” If you are curious about how all of this might relate to you, your hopes for change, and your blocks along the road, ask those questions here.
What I want for you is to keep going, to keep growing, to thrive!
Love,
Deborah

Difficult Conversations at Work

March 11, 2015

How do you encourage an open and productive workplace, one where everyone can do their best work? How do you do that when you’re not in charge? How do you begin a conversation with your boss, when you’re feeling angry? Do you put up with ‘stuff’ at work, but you’re finding it has a big cost?

You can initiate change.

For example, your boss puts you on a committee without asking you first, and you’re already overwhelmed with a mountain of work. Or your boss is rude and verbally abusive — and feels free to express this side at will. You decide that you can no longer tolerate it. But what should you do?

 Why is it hard for people to respond in a pro-active way? The authors of “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” suggest that when faced with difficult situations where we feel we have no power, we begin operating in the ‘fight or flight’ part of our brain, the part we call on when we are in stress or our emotions are triggered. Which do you typically choose: ‘flight’, which looks like “I’ll suck it up because I can’t rock the boat” or “Fight”,  and your days will be numbered at work. Either way sets an unhealthy precedent.

There is an alternative.

Take positive action. Make a decision to talk with your boss. In preparation for this conversation, ask yourself these questions (Most people find it helpful to write out these thoughts)

  • What’s the issue?

  • Where are my choices?

  • What does my boss care about?

  • What do I care about?

  • Where is our common ground

  • What is my Plan B

When you are ready to speak to your supervisor, use the sandwich approach. State the issue, quote your common work interest, ask for what you want. If you don’t get what you want, follow through on your Plan B. It might look like this:

(For the scenario, your boss feels free to vent)

 “John, when you raise your voice with me, it makes me feel terrible and hurts my productivity. I know that your job is difficult, and that you want me to do a great job. Our shared goal is for our department to shine! It would help me to do that great job, if you stated what you want from me when you are not upset.”

 If you don’t get results from this conversation, employ your Plan B choice. Either way, You’ve gotten good information. And in the end, you will have empowered yourself to make your next move.

 Do you think this approach would work with personal relationships too? I’d love to hear your view!

If you found this post helpful, sign up for a free e-zine. Articles designed to be Positive Practical and Inspired to help you Succeed and Thrive! 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PANIC AND A PLAN

February 25, 2015

There was a note of panic in her voice in the telephone message. As she laid out the problems she was facing, I heard “but what if this happens, and what if……”  Two days in a row, I saw faces full of anxiety, heard words that lacked energy, people who appeared vulnerable and without power. Stories of sleepless nights, brought on by impossible expectations or the specter of trouble ahead. 

I heard a lot of ‘overwhelm’ stories this week after my last newsletter article  (“It’s Snowing Overwhelm”)  This is how it went………Small anxieties became large worries that became distress that spiraled into sleepless nights. Trouble fermented like a large pot of ugly stew.

When you were a kid and you went to the county fair, were you drawn to the cotton candy booth? The paper cone swirls around the vat, a few strands wind on, pink fluff begins to collect and by some magical force it creates a big ball of fleecy sweet. Worry and overwhelm spin out like that. Stress multiplies and snowballs. Only it’s not sweet. It’s toxic.

It’s time to be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. If you begin to feel a sense of panic, stop, breathe, and make a plan. Here is the framework:

Analyze and ask yourself —

  • What is it I need to know?

  • What is the one essential thing that needs to be done first?

  • What is an action I can take that would help?

Panic makes us vulnerable to crisis. A plan gives you choice and is empowering. 

If you found this article useful, and you would like to sign up to get regular helpful tips and inspiration, click here.

6 Essential Tools For Accomplishing Your Next Project or Your Big Dream

February 4, 2015

Do you find yourself having great intentions? But then have difficulty following through? There have been moments in the past when I knew I wanted something different, but I didn’t know either how to go about it, or completely stalled with overwhelm when road blocks popped up. Then I quit. It was a shame.

I didn’t have the proper tools to give me traction. From my work with people, and by researching the conditions for success, I have discovered that there are six essential ‘tools’ necessary for accomplishing anything.

Screenshot 2015-02-04 15.26.56

Number 1) Make your goal specific. You have to have a destination in mind. This might seem simplistically silly to point out, but by defining your goal you bring it more sharply into focus. It is the difference between saying “I want my life to be different”, to defining what “different’ means to you. To create a focus you need your goal to be specific. ‘Different’ could mean more adventure. Then the next question is —What does ‘more adventure’ mean? Trying out a dating website? Applying for a promotion that involves more travel? Taking tango lessons? You write the definitions.

Number 2) Chunk it down. Research shows that when goals are broken down into smaller steps, there is a greater chance for success. This works for large or small goals — from trekking Mt. Kilimanjaro to flossing your teeth.

Number 3) Include chocolate. Research also shows that we human beings follow through more often when there are small rewards built into the activity. If you want to begin a regular exercise routine, you might link that with a reward, say, watching a favorite tv show on your IPAD while running on a treadmill or begin exercising with a friend.

Number 4) Build a supportive network. By telling others of your intentions, you raise the chances of success for yourself.  Enlist positive supportive people by asking them to cheer you on. If you expect push back from your family around your intended goal, help them see how your success could impact them positively too. Sometimes your family or friends can feel threatened by any changes that might be coming. Accept this, and surround yourself instead with others who want your best self to shine. This is a role I frequently play in coaching. My clients tell me they do so much more because of the support our coaching relationship provides.

Number 5) Accountability. This goes hand in hand with a supportive circle. Studies have shown (and my own experience with people underscores) the power of accountability. When people have an accountability partner, they actually follow through and do far more than they would have otherwise. This too, is part of my job as a coach. When choosing someone to serve this role, pick someone you can count on to consistently show up to ask you how you are doing in regards to your goal and to give you positive feedback. And if you didn’t do what you said you would, to care about the ‘why not’. Importantly, your accountability partner should have no agenda of their own.

Number 6) Reframe Missteps. Speed bumps and road blocks are part of the process, as I have learned from personal experience! Expect them. Plan for them. And learn from them. Make a commitment to yourself that you will see this through. By knowing that ‘failing’ is a part of every new endeavor, and framing the ‘failure’ instead as a learning opportunity, you avoid beating up on yourself and quitting. (Shame and low morale follow blame – both not conducive to growth.) Be kind to yourself. You will be richer for it.

I love being on this path with you. Let me know your thoughts!

Warmly,

Deborah

 If You Enjoyed this post and want to get regular free resources, tips and inspiration. Subscribe here!

Sign up for my quick start program to make this the best year of your life »