Happy Inchoate Year ??? 
Inchoate is such a funny word. It means not yet fully developed, just begun. It can also mean the amorphous nature or messiness of something in its initial stages. 2015 is all of these things — a year ripe with possibilities. What will it be for you?
Sending much love,
Deborah
Joe, my smart son in law, loves Zingerman’s Sandwiches. Zingerman’s Deli has what seems like hundreds of choices to pick from, so it is difficult to decide what to love when you’re hungry. I might continue to think about Zingerman’s (I do love their pickles), but I’m writing an article about Sandwich Diplomacy, and these aren’t the kind of sandwiches I’m
talking about. ( Melina & Joe>>>)
I also love working with people, and entering into a ‘thinking partnership’ with my clients. Many of them struggle with asking for what they want. I’m guessing this comes up for you, too? Yes? I know you are a nice person. You like making other people happy. And in order to do that, you don’t rock the boat. Maybe you give in when you don’t want to. Maybe you say, “Whatever you would like to do is okay with me”. Sound familiar? Asking for what you want turns out to be really hard. (There are many reasons for this). But, there comes a time when you decide you’re ready to leave the ‘passive’ voice behind, and take a more active role in your own life. And you can begin, with small steps in small moments, to initiate larger changes. For people who find asking for what you want intimidating, a good tool to use is Sandwich Diplomacy.
What the heck is that, you say? Here is my definition:
Sandwich: To insert between two other things.
Diplomacy: Skill in managing negotiations, handling people, etc., so that there is little or no ill will, tact.
So here’s how it works for the purposes of asking for what you want. By using two positive statements sandwiched around a more difficult ‘asking’ statement, you have an easier time stating your needs.The bonus is, the other party also has an easier time hearing what you have to say. What, say you? Here are a couple of examples.
As a volunteer who wants to say no:
“This committee is doing amazing work, and the gala you are talking about sounds like a winner. My schedule is packed right now, and I won’t be able to contribute. The beauty of your mission is, others will get behind you.”
See what I mean? Two positive statements sandwiched between the asking statement. A little more palatable for those of us who have difficulty saying what we want.
Two more examples: 
As an employee who wants to make a request:
“Because our company values education and training, I’m requesting funds to go to a conference in Atlanta. This department has a strong tradition of innovation and development, and I want to be a part of that.”
As a friend or family member who wants to set some boundaries:
“I love coming home after a long day of work, and spending time catching up with you. I would like you to clean up the kitchen before I get here. Then we can make a cup of coffee and sit down and relax together.”
Are you, at this point, saying, yeah, right! I ‘ll ask, but what if they say no?” Fear, that the answer may not be what we want it to be, keeps us small and prevents us from asking in the first place. But, go ahead and try it on for size. If they push back, then you have valuable information. Did they not hear you? Repeat the phrase. If they did hear you, and they begin to argue, repeat the phrase. If they did hear you, and still say no, then you know where you stand. You can make the next move, make a different choice, make a plan to leave, etc…..
Begin taking steps to stand tall, right now, using Sandwich Diplomacy. And it’s not crunchy peanut butter spread thick between two slices of Zingerman’s Chocolate Cherry bread that I’m talking about. Although that’s fabulous too.
I’d love to know your experience using this tool, so please share!
In dry dock, a ship is refurbished, updated, and repaired. Rust is blasted away, or rotting wood cut out and replaced with fresh strong panels. Several coats of marine grade paint are applied, another step in helping the boat remain seaworthy. Supplies are replenished. Safety gear checked. All these things are vital to the purpose of the ship. But, they are not what the ship is about. 
What is a ship’s purpose? To sail out into the world to fulfill it’s mission. There are times when you need to pull into dry dock, make some adjustments. Revisit the navigation charts after strong winds have pulled you off course. Fix the damage done by vicious storms, or anchor in the bay just because you want a new coat of paint and a rest. The theme is the same. These things are important, but they are not what you are about. You are about fulfilling your purpose.
“A ship is safe in harbor. But that’s not what ships are for.” William G. T. Shedd
Harbors are safe. Free of demands, free of risk. Once we leave the harbor, the waters are unpredictable. We might be tempted to stay safely anchored firmly to the dock. Do you really want to be chained to an anchor? Risk and change are a way of life. Just try standing still in the rapidly moving stream of life. It is ultimately much more dangerous than swimming toward a more promising future.
A few thoughts on pushing fear aside to move toward change (risk).
– Stock your tool kit. What do you need to begin? Number 1 is a good support structure. Thinking you can or have to do everything yourself will make the risk overwhelming.
– Develop a positive attitude about yourself. You have already survived many ups and downs in your life, right? You’re smart. You’re adaptable. You’re good at facing challenges. Engrave this on your mirror.
– Embrace the process. Remain open to the knowledge that it won’t all be smooth sailing. Flexibility in your expectations is your watch word.
Be willing to let difficult moments, failures and perceived failures be your teacher. Can you do that? Can you untie the ropes and venture out? What do you need to pack to make your boat seaworthy so you can take the plunge? Spice, variety and adventure make for a well seasoned life.
Bon Voyage,
Deborah
Pulling themselves up on the nearest thing they can grab, they lift themselves into position, then s-m-i-l-e. They toddle off, arms flung wide, their pace is fast – to stay upright. Then something, a bump in the sidewalk, a toy on the floor, pushes them slightly off kilter, then boom, down they go. And surprisingly, they pull themselves up and repeat the process. Curiosity and pure pleasure is what motivates them to take the bumps and bruises and keep moving.
I am so inspired by that. Their eyes light up, they let out joyful squeals, bounce up and out and RUN. Have you experienced a few bumps and bruises and learned caution? Learned to fear risk? Developed patterns to avoid following your curiosity lest it lead you to failure or hurt?
I think this limits our capacity to live a full and rich life, overflowing with the wealth of experience open to us. Toddlers know this – the world is new and big and there to be experienced – falls, scraped knees, joy – arms flung open wide!
Is there an area in your life you would like to expand into? Do you want to stop tolerating the things that are holding you back, and embrace what could be? Let yourself say yes! Follow your natural curiosity for pleasure and delight yourself. Give yourself permission to feel joy.
Pulling themselves up on the nearest thing they can grab, they lift themselves into position, then s-m-i-l-e. They toddle off, arms flung wide, their pace is fast – to stay upright. Then something, a bump in the sidewalk, a toy on the floor, pushes them slightly off kilter, then boom, down they go. And surprisingly, they pull themselves up and repeat the process. Curiosity and pure pleasure is what motivates them to take the bumps and bruises and keep moving.
I am so inspired by that. Eyes light up, they let out joyful squeals, bounce up and out and RUN. We adults have experienced a few bumps and bruises and learned caution, learned to fear risk, developed patterns to avoid following our curiosity lest it lead us to failure or hurt. But I think this limits our capacity to live a full and rich life, overflowing with the wealth of experience open to us. Toddlers know this – the world is new and large and there to be experienced – falls, scraped knees, joy – arms flung open wide!
Is there an area in your life you would like to expand into? Stop tolerating the things that are holding you back, and embrace what could be. Let yourself say yes!
I think we Michiganders have an advantage……I recently read a blog post by Dr. Brene Brown about her interview with Oprah Winfrey. “I was scared/scared!” she admitted. Sweaty, shaky, nervous kind of scared. Then she did a beautiful thing, she wrote herself a permission slip and tucked it into her pocket. It said, “I give you permission to be excited and goofy and uncool. Just show up and be seen.”
Where are you scared on the way to your good life? Write yourself a permission slip and tuck it into your pocket, tape it to your bathroom mirror, stick it to the console of your car. Give yourself permission to ‘……….’ Mine reads today, “I give you permission to try something new and to be open to see where it goes. Then celebrate in the (f)act of trying.” I am making a commitment to myself to let go of the results.
Here is the evidence. Sometimes my blog entries fly and you say, “Thanks for that!” Sometimes they fall flat, (you show me mercy, and I say ‘thanks for that!’) Win or lose, there is always some value to the act.
Don’t hide or stay small. Write your permission slip now.
Steven Pressfield, champion of the creative process, knows what it’s like to wrestle with doubt, distractions, obstructions and life. In his book, The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battle, he lays it all out there, covering a quantity of sins. This excerpt about Resistance made me pay attention:
“Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.
Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates the strength of Resistance. Therefore, the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul.”
What would happen if you acknowledged your fear and stepped forward anyway?
“Experimental social psych
ologists have conducted numerous experiments that demonstrate how behavior and performance can be “primed” by showing participants certain objects and pictures.”
People act differently depending upon their response to the object or picture.
(This post was prompted by an article on The Creativity Post by Michael Michalko)
To read the entire article, visit: http://www.creativitypost.com/create/priming_your_creativity
