Failure

Learning to Run, Fall AND LAUGH

November 10, 2016

Learning to run, fall AND LAUGH

Forgive me. I am obsessed with some beautiful people  (my little sweethearts). I just learned an important lesson from one of them (the one that can’t talk yet, but has plenty to say). My daughter sent me a video of our sweetie taking her first steps. I watched it over and over (here’s where the obsession set in) I couldn’t get enough. She lives 625 miles away, so you see why I’ve watched the video 47 times already. Here’s what she taught me…….

She’s never walked before, and yet is delighted to be learning something new. She’s not worried about the mechanics of the job, or the fact that she doesn’t know everything. She just goes!

She’s not afraid, she doesn’t hang back. She’s not thinking, ‘what if I fall and get hurt? The threat of risk does not deter her.

So she’s walking, unsteady, like babies walk, rocking left to right, making it across the room. Then, she trips and falls. She falls, and laughs. She lets out a little giggle. She falls without shame. Without embarrassment. 

That’s the kind of spirit I want to have. To embrace new experiences with delight. To let go of anxiety and just go. To not hang back because of ‘risk’. To take chances and fail without shame. Are you with me?

But wait. Do you know too much of life to go with enthusiasm? Have you accepted that there is a choice between childish innocence and adult sense? You’ve learned to be cautious, to question, to put excitement on the shelf in the garage. Well, I’m here to tell you that happiness and bravery are part of your DNA. You might have to move a few things around to find it, but you’ve got it. Try it on again. Let yourself set a new course, learn a new skill, fall in love, start a business, quit your job, travel to the Galapagos. Say yes and go.

Princess Knocked Me Out

August 23, 2016

I had so much to learn……..

A summer spent bagging groceries at McNeilly’s Market earned my half of a Welsh Pony/Quarter horse mix named Princess. She was beautiful and a dream come true for me the summer I turned twelve. She had just arrived, and was grazing in a small corral when I decided I would grab an apple and give her a special treat. I climbed over the fence and ran toward her, coming from behind. Wrong move. I got soundly kicked, and lay flattened, unable to breathe, the wind knocked out of me.

It was a long time before I had the courage to go near that horse. I now understood Princess was an animal to be feared.

Personal upheaval can feel like that. One of my clients is going through a contentious divorce, and another works for a large company that is being acquired by another large company. The similarities here are that both clients feel a loss of control about a future that is constantly changing and unknowable. How do you navigate these choppy waters? How do you cross the field without getting trampled by the bull?

Develop your strengths and understand yourself within the situation. By working on these two things, major change feels less like upheaval and more like evolution. 

 

At twelve, I had so much to learn. About horses, and everything else. The beginning of my 4b807df6-7b93-4682-a81c-98860d91aaeaunderstanding came when my Dad noticed I hadn’t taken our horse out for a ride yet. “You’ve got to ride her Deb. I know you’re afraid. By now you’ve learned never to come up to a horse from behind. You were right though, let her get to know you by bringing her treats. Then saddle her up and take her out, no excuses. Or else you’ll always be afraid. And you don’t want that.” Know your strengths, understand yourself and the situation. I pulled on my big girl boots, found my courage, and went for the ride of my life.

Are You 1. Brilliant or 2. A Fraud. A Multiple Choice Question

February 18, 2016

Sitting carefully in the formal living room, I surveyed the richly furnished surroundings. This was living room # 2, completely decorated in several variations on the color white. I was feeling like I didn’t belong.

I was at a committee meeting, one I was asked to be on, working with academics, engineers, and other highly educated people. The thoughts that were zooming around my head were deadly. “They are going to find out I’m not as smart as they think I am.” “They are sure to see how unsophisticated I am.” “ I’m just flat out unworthy to be here.” “I’m a fraud.” Truth be told? That same narrative tape begins its reel in my head every time I’m in a new situation. After working with hundreds of clients, I know that this phenomenon is just about universal. And what I also know, there is a way to make that disagreeable scenario disappear. You can stop it cold. Screenshot 2015-09-30 14.05.15

I recently read this story. Every year, students in the incoming class at Stanford Business School are asked, “How many of you feel that you are the one mistake that the admissions committee made?” And every year, about two-thirds of the students raise their hands.

Now this is curious, because getting into a top-notch program is not easy. A high GPA, excellent scores on the GMAT and strong letters of recommendation from prominent professors and professionals are necessary. High achievers who succeed academically on tests and grueling internships are in that classroom. Yet, despite this, the majority of students who achieve their goal of admission to this program seriously doubt they deserve to be there.

Screenshot 2015-09-30 13.56.07The story isn’t limited to students. Research done on every level of successful professional comes up with the same number. 70% of all high achieving people describe feeling unqualified, like a fraud, in spite of many significant achievements. This behavior has many names — fraud factor, impostor phenomenon. First described by psychologists Suzanne Imes, PhD, and Pauline Rose Clance, PhD, in the 1970s. Defined as “a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt, and feelings of intellectual fraudulence.” Feel familiar?

It goes something like this: “I’m here, sure, but they’re going to find out I’m (Fill in the blank)” “ I’m here just by dumb luck” “ I’m not smart, in fact, I’m really stupid. Didn’t I just do something stupid yesterday?” “ If they knew of my other imperfections, they wouldn’t have invited me here.” I could go on….

These thoughts hold you back from fully enjoying life. From completely embracing success. The impostor phenomenon appears when you are embarking on a new endeavor outside your ‘zone of comfort’. I think it is a trick from our psyche to keep us safe, in a way. A primitive warning signal that we are about to do something different and we should be wary. But this warning signal triggers shame and vulnerability too.

Take heart. There are ways to change the story going on in your head.

1. Recognize that just about everyone have these feelings. You are not alone.

2. Give yourself credit for stepping outside your comfort zone to try something new. Credit also, for all of your past achievements.

3. Allow yourself to be imperfect.

4. Understand that this is some part of your unconscious, trying to keep you safe. Acknowledge this. Then give yourself permission to go ahead anyway.

5, Another permission granted: Give yourself permission to congratulate yourself fully for growing and developing, Step into a new and more abundant reality. Because you really are wonderful, and the world needs to have that!

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The Secret Behind Every Decision

December 8, 2015

“I think I’m depressed” Tom (not his real name) said quietly over his coffee cup. Indeed, he looked sad. I urged him to tell me what was going on. As the story unfolded, Tom said that he was having trouble feeling good about his decisions. He blamed poor decision-making on his lack of a big bank account and a more prestigious career. His father, mother and sister were all very accomplished people. He was sure there was something wrong with him, that he couldn’t do the same.

The Secret Behind Every Decision

Tom’s story included the fact that he was a good Dad to two daughters. His marriage had broken up when the girls were young. From the tenor of his story, I had a feeling that Tom had not made poor decisions. But that his values shaped his behavior and choices, values he wasn’t aware of. I knew that if I could help Tom discover what values drove his past decisions, he would feel a lot better about himself, and that would inform all future decisions.

Values are the principles that you live your life by. Too often, we are unable to identify what is really important for us. We don’t live our lives in alignment with our values, and then wonder why we feel unbalanced or things aren’t working. To honor your values means to create and live your life in such a way that there is nothing in the way of living them. This leads to a life lived with integrity.

The compass that sets your course are your core values. Those core values direct all of your life choices and every aspect of your behavior. Core values are defined by you. They are:

  • Something that is regarded as important.
  • Standards of behavior.
  • Beliefs, ideals.
  • Guidelines of worth.
  • Principles that guide conduct.
  • Seen as intrinsically desirable, valuable.

Values are easily squashed by needs, shoulds and problems.

Needs. ..Shoulds. ..Tolerations. ..Unresolved matters. ..Addictions… Irresponsibility. Stress… Fantasies. ..Roles. ..Money. …Obligation/Duty……..

Until this list is handled, values orientation is difficult to do, because most people have values and needs confused. Their needs are so great that they overshadow their values. This circumstance makes living a values based life and setting values based goals unsustainable. A Values based life brings fulfillment.

Some examples of values: Accomplishment, Discipline, Social Recognition, Spirituality, Taking risks, Tradition, Wealth, Creativity.

Tom did a values assessment with me, and discovered that family and responsibility were much stronger values for him than affluence. Tom had been comparing himself to others and in his mind he hadn’t measured up. A man with a prestigious career and a big bank account was the role he imagined he was supposed to play. For Tom, the discovery that he had made the choice to work at jobs that would be best for his family, jobs that allowed him to be the kind of Dad he wanted to be, brought him great relief. That knowledge paved the way to making peace with the past, feeling satisfaction for the present, and empowered about the future.

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This can’t be what abundance looks like

July 1, 2015

“I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars.” Augustine (Og) Mandino

“Crap, the timing couldn’t be worse!”
That’s me talking. To my friend Monique.

I was dramatically sharing about events unfolding in July. It was dawning on me that I had major upheaval on my calendar, all of it invited by me, although not all of it within my control. Family, travel, moving, business expansion, major reorganization. All of it poised and scheduled to happen in the same two-week period in July. Screenshot 2015-07-01 20.39.04

As I was spilling ’the timing couldn’t be worse’ to my patient friend, I next blurted out, “I guess this is what abundance looks like!” Darn. Truth, Told.

Had I really expected that my life would unfold perfectly and exponentially? If I do this, then I do that, then my blessings multiply very neatly and orderly. Yes, I guess I had expected that. But this life is messier, AND more abundant than even my imagination could cook up. After the “I guess this is what abundance looks like” revelation, I more calmly realized that this was ALL GOOD.

There are few absolutes. Every blessing can have a dark side. Every negative can yield a positive. It depends on your perspective. I’m really good at helping my clients look at their strengths. We build bridges over what to them look like valleys of despair. While my present circumstance in no way describes a story of hardship, I had slipped into ‘negative thinking’. And that mindset had caused me stress for a full week. Then I flipped the story in my head. “I love the darkness for it shows me the stars.” Do you have a story that could use a different perspective? One that is causing you stress? I’ll bet you can tally up an affirmative side to your problem. That’s where you can begin to build something more useful to you than stress. Tweak this formula:

Your challenge (acknowledge here): _________________
Silver lining: (Think, then make a list) ________________
In this silver lining list, where do you see opportunity? _________________________
Plant your feet there.

If you need help looking at your silver linings, I’m here.

With love,
Deborah

6 Essential Tools For Accomplishing Your Next Project or Your Big Dream

February 4, 2015

Do you find yourself having great intentions? But then have difficulty following through? There have been moments in the past when I knew I wanted something different, but I didn’t know either how to go about it, or completely stalled with overwhelm when road blocks popped up. Then I quit. It was a shame.

I didn’t have the proper tools to give me traction. From my work with people, and by researching the conditions for success, I have discovered that there are six essential ‘tools’ necessary for accomplishing anything.

Screenshot 2015-02-04 15.26.56

Number 1) Make your goal specific. You have to have a destination in mind. This might seem simplistically silly to point out, but by defining your goal you bring it more sharply into focus. It is the difference between saying “I want my life to be different”, to defining what “different’ means to you. To create a focus you need your goal to be specific. ‘Different’ could mean more adventure. Then the next question is —What does ‘more adventure’ mean? Trying out a dating website? Applying for a promotion that involves more travel? Taking tango lessons? You write the definitions.

Number 2) Chunk it down. Research shows that when goals are broken down into smaller steps, there is a greater chance for success. This works for large or small goals — from trekking Mt. Kilimanjaro to flossing your teeth.

Number 3) Include chocolate. Research also shows that we human beings follow through more often when there are small rewards built into the activity. If you want to begin a regular exercise routine, you might link that with a reward, say, watching a favorite tv show on your IPAD while running on a treadmill or begin exercising with a friend.

Number 4) Build a supportive network. By telling others of your intentions, you raise the chances of success for yourself.  Enlist positive supportive people by asking them to cheer you on. If you expect push back from your family around your intended goal, help them see how your success could impact them positively too. Sometimes your family or friends can feel threatened by any changes that might be coming. Accept this, and surround yourself instead with others who want your best self to shine. This is a role I frequently play in coaching. My clients tell me they do so much more because of the support our coaching relationship provides.

Number 5) Accountability. This goes hand in hand with a supportive circle. Studies have shown (and my own experience with people underscores) the power of accountability. When people have an accountability partner, they actually follow through and do far more than they would have otherwise. This too, is part of my job as a coach. When choosing someone to serve this role, pick someone you can count on to consistently show up to ask you how you are doing in regards to your goal and to give you positive feedback. And if you didn’t do what you said you would, to care about the ‘why not’. Importantly, your accountability partner should have no agenda of their own.

Number 6) Reframe Missteps. Speed bumps and road blocks are part of the process, as I have learned from personal experience! Expect them. Plan for them. And learn from them. Make a commitment to yourself that you will see this through. By knowing that ‘failing’ is a part of every new endeavor, and framing the ‘failure’ instead as a learning opportunity, you avoid beating up on yourself and quitting. (Shame and low morale follow blame – both not conducive to growth.) Be kind to yourself. You will be richer for it.

I love being on this path with you. Let me know your thoughts!

Warmly,

Deborah

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Welcome and Entertain Them All

January 13, 2015

(Back in the day), college hopeful high school students chose to take foreign language classes. I chose not to. I had heard they were hard. Don’t walk through that door. Upper class students, who I knew were smart, didn’t always get an A in such classes. Hard work that garnered a C grade didn’t seem to make sense to me. Now I know, from the perspective of maturity, that challenging myself to take harder classes where I would not be ‘perfect’ would have had its own rewards. It is the homework of the brave.

Screenshot 2015-01-12 16.11.11

As part of the coaching process, my clients answer year-end questions. I begin with, “What were your greatest challenges of the past year? The next question is “What were your greatest achievements of last year?” The answers sometimes surprise them. Most often, the responses are identical. In doing my own personal review of 2014, my greatest challenges were caring for my parents as they were dying (they passed away within two months of each other). What was my greatest achievement? The lessons I learned through loving and caring for them through that process. There were times I wanted to uncheck the box “responsible adult daughter”, I will admit that to you. If that act would have released me from the pain and discombobulated feelings. The moments when I was not my best self. When I revealed petty emotions, overwhelming grief, and critical words. If, by unchecking that box, I could have remained “perfect”, untouched. But to remain “perfect” would have limited the scope of the messy experience of loving people through to the very end and learning the lessons of dying and death. That’s an achievement worth hanging around for I think. Perfect didn’t have a place in the vocabulary of a richer life.

In telling me their stories of challenge and achievement, I see over and over again, the resilience of people. All the people I meet who have crushing work loads or difficult relationships or sadness and loss in the past, shape their experience to be transformative. In connecting with strength, and riding that wild boat through to the other side, I see them reap great rewards.

I would love to hear about your challenges of the past year. Your achievements. Please share so the rest of us can learn.

Rumi wrote a poem, The Guest House, that describes the lesson, creatively illustrated by artist Ellie Cross. Get it Here > The Guest House

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Safety + Risk = A Well Seasoned Life

September 22, 2014

“A ship is safe in harbor. But that’s not what ships are for.” William G. T. Shedd

In dry dock, a ship is refurbished, updated, and repaired. Rust is blasted away, or rotting wood cut out and replaced with fresh strong panels. Several coats of marine grade paint are applied, another step in helping the boat remain seaworthy. Supplies are replenished. Safety gear checked. All these things are vital to the purpose of the ship. But, they are not what the ship is about. Screenshot 2014-09-18 22.04.05

What is a ship’s purpose? To sail out into the world to fulfill it’s mission. There are times when you need to pull into dry dock, make some adjustments. Revisit the navigation charts after strong winds have pulled you off course. Fix the damage done by vicious storms, or anchor in the bay just because you want a new coat of paint and a rest. The theme is the same. These things are important, but they are not what you are about. You are about fulfilling your purpose.

“A ship is safe in harbor. But that’s not what ships are for.” William G. T. Shedd

Harbors are safe. Free of demands, free of risk. Once we leave the harbor, the waters are unpredictable. We might be tempted to stay safely anchored firmly to the dock. Do you really want to be chained to an anchor? Risk and change are a way of life. Just try standing still in the rapidly moving stream of life. It is ultimately much more dangerous than swimming toward a more promising future.

A few thoughts on pushing fear aside to move toward change (risk).

– Stock your tool kit. What do you need to begin? Number 1 is a good support structure. Thinking you can or have to do everything yourself will make the risk overwhelming.

– Develop a positive attitude about yourself. You have already survived many ups and downs in your life, right? You’re smart. You’re adaptable. You’re good at facing challenges. Engrave this on your mirror.

– Embrace the process. Remain open to the knowledge that it won’t all be smooth sailing. Flexibility in your expectations is your watch word.

Be willing to let difficult moments, failures and perceived failures be your teacher. Can you do that? Can you untie the ropes and venture out? What do you need to pack to make your boat seaworthy so you can take the plunge? Spice, variety and adventure make for a well seasoned life.

Bon Voyage,Screenshot 2014-09-22 10.15.48

Deborah

 

Wobble, Fall, Get Up, Fall, Get Up, SMILE

March 20, 2014

Have you ever spent time watching a toddler move?

Screen Shot 2013-05-23 at 3.51.28 PM

Pulling themselves up on the nearest thing they can grab, they lift themselves into position, then s-m-i-l-e. They toddle off, arms flung wide, their pace is fast – to stay upright. Then something, a bump in the sidewalk, a toy on the floor, pushes them slightly off kilter, then boom, down they go. And surprisingly, they pull themselves up and repeat the process. Curiosity and pure pleasure is what motivates them to take the bumps and bruises and keep moving.

I am so inspired by that. Their eyes light up, they let out joyful squeals, bounce up and out and RUN.  Have you experienced a few bumps and bruises and learned caution? Learned to fear risk? Developed patterns to avoid following your curiosity lest it lead you to failure or hurt?

I think this limits our capacity to live a full and rich life, overflowing with the wealth of experience open to us. Toddlers know this – the world is new and big and there to be experienced – falls, scraped knees, joy – arms flung open wide!

Is there an area in your life you would like to expand into? Do you want to stop tolerating the things that are holding you back, and embrace what could be? Let yourself say yes! Follow your natural curiosity for pleasure and delight yourself. Give yourself permission to feel joy.

Wobble, Fall, Get Up, Fall, Get Up, SMILE

May 23, 2013

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Have you ever spent time watching a toddler move?

Screen Shot 2013-05-23 at 3.51.28 PM

Pulling themselves up on the nearest thing they can grab, they lift themselves into position, then s-m-i-l-e. They toddle off, arms flung wide, their pace is fast – to stay upright. Then something, a bump in the sidewalk, a toy on the floor, pushes them slightly off kilter, then boom, down they go. And surprisingly, they pull themselves up and repeat the process. Curiosity and pure pleasure is what motivates them to take the bumps and bruises and keep moving.

I am so inspired by that. Eyes light up, they let out joyful squeals, bounce up and out and RUN. We adults have experienced a few bumps and bruises and learned caution, learned to fear risk, developed patterns to avoid following our curiosity lest it lead us to failure or hurt. But I think this limits our capacity to live a full and rich life, overflowing with the wealth of experience open to us. Toddlers know this – the world is new and large and there to be experienced – falls, scraped knees, joy – arms flung open wide!

Is there an area in your life you would like to expand into? Stop tolerating the things that are holding you back, and embrace what could be. Let yourself say yes!

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