motivation

Are You Holding Back?

January 12, 2017

You’re successful. You’ve worked hard, been rewarded for your hard work, met challenges and sought out greater opportunities. And then, some new ‘thing’ just rises up and stumps you.

Sunshine was spilling through the window, but Sarah ‘s mood was perplexed. She was an ambitious professional. Hardworking. With many successes to testify to this hard work. But today, her normally positive attitude was hard to sustain.  She had set some new goals for herself, but just couldn’t get excited about them.

As we talked about her new plans, it became clear that she was holding something back. A part of her wasn’t ‘all in’ and she didn’t know why.

After some deeper conversations, where I probed and asked lots of questions, Sarah began to realize that there was some icky unfinished business related to what she was trying to do. As we talked, she began to understand that emotions around events in the past (which she thought were in the past) were interfering with her passion to fully embrace what she was trying to do in the present. 

Together, we developed some homework assignments, aimed at examining fully what was going on. Greater understanding leads to empowered action. Released from the entangled morass of undealt with emotions, she felt renewed energy. And in our next coaching session, Sarah saw a way to make something positive from it, to clear away the unfinished business. Funny how this happens, but she felt excited about what she wanted to do right now.

If you feel like you’re holding back, ask yourself, “What is interfering with my enthusiasm for what I want?” It’s a great question to get you started.

 

Ready to Take Action?

May 25, 2016
(For the last several weeks, I have been sharing some tips gleaned from many years of working with people who are motivated to grow through challenge. Week One was Getting to Yes. Week Two, answered the question “You’ve Said Yes, Now What?” Today, the last in this series is all about Action.)

Jen had gotten this far. Years of frustration collided and she knew she had had enough. She had to do something different. Time for a change.

She worked to define what that meant. But how to make that happen? I’ll share the strategies that Jen and I employed to move her from passion into purpose. I think they might work for you too.

Do something. Now. And Later.  

Jen and I had done research together, and she was now clear on what she wanted. I then coached her through a series of questions to help clear her mind as to what next steps she should take.

– What three steps can you take to make this desire a reality right now?  When I asked Jen this question, she looked into space for a few moments, and then, bingo! She knew what to do first! Small steps or large, it is good to get right into it, plant your feet firmly in the doing. This energizes you and builds momentum. Finish those three steps, and then ask yourself, what’s the next best thing to do? Then do it.

– What strengths or resources could you tap into to overcome any obstacles that might arise? Roadblocks will arise, it is inevitable. You will be stopped by them, unless you’ve already identified what strengths and resources you could call on to get you through. For Jen, she called on the resource of coaching to get things to happen faster. What resources do youhave to call upon? Make a list of your resources and strengths. It helps to affirm your positive attributes when things get hard.

– What is your confidence level on a scale of 1-10 that you will accomplish your goals? This is key. Is your confidence below a 10? What would it take to get to a 10? If you don’t have confidence in yourself in regards to this project, have confidence in your potential.)

As your Coach, my job is to ask a lot of questions. They’re not questions to satisfy my own curiosity, but questions to help you build understanding and grow into your own spectacular potential. So here’s my next question. What’s next for you?

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Two Faced

January 14, 2016

Masses of Lego pieces were piled high. My little Florida sweetheart was intent on choosing just the right part to match the fantastic machine he would engineer. Lego’s are the perfect toy, they connect the maker with zillions of possibilities. This led me to thinking about connections……….

Screenshot 2016-01-06 17.45.56

 

January. Named for the Roman god Janus — the god of the doorway. Janus has two faces, one facing backwards and one facing forwards. This month is a time of transitions. As we flow into a new year, new possibilities, we pass over a threshold between past, present and future. Whether you commit to New Year’s resolutions, embrace evolutions or plant your flag in a personal revolution, now is the time to step through the door way and imagine what could be possible. How? Connect.Screenshot 2016-01-06 17.51.04

Connect
To yourself — Carve out one hour, and re-focus. If you’re like me, November/December was full of distracting activities. Take 60 minutes, and spend that in reflection. What were your accomplishments last year? What was left undone? Then…

Connect to your intentions for 2016 — how do you want to EVOLVE this year?

Next, how does that connect to your life — how can you plug-in your intentions? Integrate them into your everyday activities?

Clear intentions are good, but you must connect them to action — What small steps make sense to begin with?

Importantly, connect to others — gather your board of support. Evolution has greater success when shared with trusted people.

And then, stay connected – by frequently revisiting your big picture intentions.

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Swap Out Stress for Moxie

October 27, 2015

Sitting with my coffee cup in my hands one cold morning,I was reminiscing about the good old days. One day in particular, a long time ago. I ran a small preschool, it was a work day. I was sick as a dog but couldn’t take the day off. I was shaken awake by my two kids — fighting on my bed. And it was my birthday. Ahh, the good old days.

I’ve been talking to bunches of people who are stressed. In these conversations I can feel the anxious energy rising up like an electrical charge. This can’t be healthy. And it isn’t the way they want to live. Stress is a boomerang that flies at them and steals away control. Lack of control comes in the spectre of demands from others, bad news pop ups, the have to do list that spams the want to do list. Maybe kids fighting on your bed when you’re too sick to raise your head off the pillow.

-If compassion doesn't include yourself it is incomplete.- (3)

Wait, don’t put your head under the pillow. (So tempting when your little angels are exhibiting a flash of ugliness on your comforter). And don’t let stress tie a rope around you and whip you around. Tie on a carpenters belt, stuff some tools in the pockets, and get back to doing your beautiful thing. Harness that energy. Here are your tools:

Tool #1: Step away for a moment. Take a deep cleansing breath. This act alone will create some space. Bonus? You can control this. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat until you feel a sense of control returning. Simple. Powerful.

Tool #2: Information. Ask some questions. ‘If it’s a bad news pop up, ask — ‘What information do I need to handle this?’ Then get it. Another question: ‘What resources do I need to give myself some ease?’ Then follow through. If it’s a ‘I have to do list’ that’s longer than the ‘I want to do’ list, you’ve got to change that up. Go immediately, schedule something that makes you smile and put it on your calendar. Other, demanding people? Ask yourself, “What’s my stuff? What belongs to someone else?” Highly responsible people (that’s you) have a tendency to accept other people’s stuff and take it on as their own. It’s not. Give it back if that’s the case.

Tool #3: A shaker of endurance combined with a bit of moxie. Tell yourself, “This anxiety is trying to tell me something. Am I afraid I can’t handle what’s been thrown at me?” Remind yourself of all the tough stuff you’ve handled in the past. You’ve got this too. “Am I losing myself in this (job, relationship, etc.)?” Maybe feeling stress is a wake up call to make some big changes.

Tool #4: Do something nice for yourself. Small. Large. It doesn’t matter. I know when I was sleeping at the hospital when my Mom was sick, after one particularly stressful week, I came home and immediately scheduled a foot massage. It was one blissful hour, and it helped me change perspective, and take care of myself so I could take care of my Mom.

Tool #5: Groupies. Surround yourself with positive, loving, supportive people. If it’s a work situation that is full of negativity, it’s especially important to seek out uplifting people.

Don’t get sidelined by stress and anxiety. All that does is suck your energy and give you a negative charge. Stress and it’s cousin anxiety are part of life. Keep your power tools handy.

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Send yourself a little Chocolat’

October 23, 2015

“One taste is all it takes…..”  Chocolat’, a classic movie, follows Juliette Binoche as she opens a chocolate shop in a conservative town full of bitter, sad and lonely people. Juliette stirs a little kindness and nurture into the chocolate pot, and soon, everyone is changed. You know the human value of kindness towards others. Now, flip the mirror. How compassionate are you toward yourself? Are you kinder to strangers?

Are you one of those people who avoids the notion altogether? This is a dangerous idea.

-If compassion doesn't include yourself it is incomplete.-

Compassion shown to yourself makes a difference in whether you survive and thrive. Studies prove that it’s not what you face in life, but how you relate to yourself when the going gets tough. (Do you think of yourself as your own ally or as deficient?) This perception determines your ability to cope successfully. Do you expect yourself to do it all, and then beat yourself up when you fall short? I’m betting you do.

Aaron told himself to stay strong, maintain being a ‘tough guy’ during his divorce. He believed that hiding his feelings and not admitting to how much pain he was in, was what would get him through. But instead, it kept him stuck, feeling miserable, and angry. He saw compassion for himself as a weakness.

Is your reluctance to extend kindness to yourself based on the premise that it will make you weak? Do you resist thoughtfulness toward yourself because you feel it will undermine motivation to push forward?

Your best friend comes to you and shares how overwhelmed she is. She is having trouble coping with everything she has to do.  Would you say, “What’s wrong with you? You loser. Suck it up and get busy!”

You wouldn’t talk to a friend like that. But you might talk to yourself that way. The pain caused by self judgement is significant. “I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not ________ enough.” Studies now prove that self compassion is a far more effective method for personal motivation than self punishment.

In our work together, I help my clients learn how to move from self judgement to self acceptance. And that is the beginning of tremendous growth and accomplishment.

What does self compassion look like?

Self compassion is caring for yourself and accepting your feelings, struggles and pain.

Acknowledge that (this moment, challenge, transition) is hard. Don’t push it away, but ‘be’ with that. Say “This is hard. I’m doing the best I can.” Then, stick with me here, close your eyes and send yourself love. (If you’re feeling awkward, that’s resistance. Try it anyway.) Imagine a shower of love pouring down. Some call this grace. Let this good feeling flow through you. Self compassion builds your capacity for love, wisdom, courage and generosity toward yourself and for others. It’s not weakness or laziness to send some kindness to yourself. It is smart.

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(This article inspired by “The Five Myths of Self Compassion” by Kristin Neff, PhD. Published on the website Greater Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life. September 30, 2015.)
Chocolat’ is a 2000 movie directed by Lasse Halltrom, starring Juliette Binoche, Johnny Depp, Judi Dench and Alfred Molina.

Multi Tasking Between Summer and Fall

September 15, 2015

Smell it in the air? The aroma of autumn. And with it, transition. We switch from summer activities to fall chores. From vacation mode to work mode. In the morning do you reach for your wool sweater, but by afternoon are you stripping to your tee shirt?  I’ve been hearing conversations that remark on the difficulties of bringing focus back. To changes begun in June and then stalled by July — before August vacations, summer pleasures, and houseguests being shown around town. Is this where you are too?

Honeycomb (2)

This reminded me of research being done on multi tasking and the brain. Turns out multi tasking is largely a myth. We are incapable of doing 2 things at once that require executive functions (the same part of the brain). But we are good at switching back and forth. When switching to a new task, we have to pause, then commit.

The pause is what the first weeks of September are about. This is your chance to use the breathing space between summer mode and the autumn seasonal shift to re-focus. To make the transition easier, follow these suggestions:

1. Take a moment and review your goals from spring. Are these still important to you? Are there any you want to let go of?

2. Where are your interests being drawn now?

3. What ‘energy drainers’ are you noticing? Have there been changes these last 8 months that need attending to?

4. What would you determine are your major challenges? Are you ready to tackle them?

September ushers in days of higher energy that can galvanize development. The distinct shift in the season can give you renewed purpose and focus. Opportunity awaits.

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This can’t be what abundance looks like

July 1, 2015

“I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars.” Augustine (Og) Mandino

“Crap, the timing couldn’t be worse!”
That’s me talking. To my friend Monique.

I was dramatically sharing about events unfolding in July. It was dawning on me that I had major upheaval on my calendar, all of it invited by me, although not all of it within my control. Family, travel, moving, business expansion, major reorganization. All of it poised and scheduled to happen in the same two-week period in July. Screenshot 2015-07-01 20.39.04

As I was spilling ’the timing couldn’t be worse’ to my patient friend, I next blurted out, “I guess this is what abundance looks like!” Darn. Truth, Told.

Had I really expected that my life would unfold perfectly and exponentially? If I do this, then I do that, then my blessings multiply very neatly and orderly. Yes, I guess I had expected that. But this life is messier, AND more abundant than even my imagination could cook up. After the “I guess this is what abundance looks like” revelation, I more calmly realized that this was ALL GOOD.

There are few absolutes. Every blessing can have a dark side. Every negative can yield a positive. It depends on your perspective. I’m really good at helping my clients look at their strengths. We build bridges over what to them look like valleys of despair. While my present circumstance in no way describes a story of hardship, I had slipped into ‘negative thinking’. And that mindset had caused me stress for a full week. Then I flipped the story in my head. “I love the darkness for it shows me the stars.” Do you have a story that could use a different perspective? One that is causing you stress? I’ll bet you can tally up an affirmative side to your problem. That’s where you can begin to build something more useful to you than stress. Tweak this formula:

Your challenge (acknowledge here): _________________
Silver lining: (Think, then make a list) ________________
In this silver lining list, where do you see opportunity? _________________________
Plant your feet there.

If you need help looking at your silver linings, I’m here.

With love,
Deborah

Aid for the Confounded

June 26, 2015
So you want to take some action, but with so many variables  piling up, even the most dedicated mathematician would throw in the chalk. Like a restaurant menu with 300 entrees, you have too many choices,  which makes choosing impossible — ironic isn’t it? Then you figure, every choice has a consequence. And when you start calculating that out?  You’re tangled into knots, you cry, and then you quit. Back where you began.
Being stuck feels awful. Stuck in a job? Stuck in a relationship that makes you unhappy? Stuck in boredom? Stuck in a cycle of soul sucking hyperactivity. Should I marry that guy? Should I retire? Should I take that job across the country? Should I get a divorce?
Stymied. Stumped. Stuck. But thinking about the alternatives gives you hives.Screenshot 2015-06-24 16.11.32
Surprise! This type of itch is a good thing. Because noticing the ick of stuck is the message you have been waiting for. When things get really uncomfortable, the energy begins to shift from inertia to response. There is a tipping point. And you are now leaning in the positive column. Don’t just think about it or worry about it. Make a plan for how you’re going to deal with it. Then do something about it. What to do? Here are a few ideas:
1. Dedicate some extra time to thinking and planning. Take yourself off on sabbatical for the weekend. Start making notes of all the possibilities. Remove all the ‘shoulds’. Include all the ‘wants’. Then zero in on the ideas that make your heart sing.
2. Get some coaching so you get a shortcut to the most effective strategies. (Of course I would suggest this. But I suggest it because my clients tell me it works. I’m here to be of service.)
3. Read some books written by folks who have ‘been there’ or have practical advice. There are lots of self help books with proven track records. Google your topic, see what comes up. Ask your friends for suggestions. Do a Facebook poll.
4. If it’s a relationship problem, seek a mediator or counselor (if all parties in the relationship are agreeable). If it’s a financial issue, enlist a financial advisor. There are great resources out there that are free too. Getting help before it becomes a crisis relieves a lot of stress.
5. If it’s a career decision you want to make, think about people you could reach out to in your circle who would be helpful. By talking with people you trust and have perspective, you can gather more information to help you make good decisions.
Any of these ideas are good. Just do something. Being so indecisive feels awful. Recognizing “this is me stuck”, is seeing the road sign. Let ‘stuck’ direct you to the first step. Now, get going.

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A RADICAL IDEA

June 5, 2015
-Where there is love, there is life-  --As you read these words, I’m wondering how they will make you feel. Curious? Mystified? Uncomfortable? Nauseated? I love a good juicy coaching question, and this one is sure to provoke some response.

“What would love do now?”

I’m sure you’ve noticed, there is a lot of strife in the world. Some of it in our own backyard. This friction is all caused by ‘other people’. These ‘other people’ could be family members, close friends, bosses, co – workers, neighbors, any member of your community that you have to interact with. Relationships can be fraught with tension, disappointment, sadness, angst. Someone in your circle has wounded you with a snide comment. Or your boss just unleashed a bucket of ugliness on you. Has your teenage child disappointed you? A neighbor who is an irritant? Relationships are a messy business and we all have been involved in some kind of strained relationship. What do you do when emotions run high?

Step outside the tense space for a few moments and hit the pause button. Draw an imaginary circle around yourself. Breathe. The inside of this circle contains you and your experience. Extend compassion toward yourself.

1. Ask the question, “What would love do now?” Love in this case is an action word, a verb, and the first course of action is to love yourself. Go ahead. Even if it feels weird.  Would loving yourself be finding a new job? Would love be telling you to get some help to cope with that teenager? Would love direct you to take a compassionate stand for yourself? Get a massage?

2. Then, secondly, the most radical part of this action “what would love do now” is directing that action toward the person contributing to this stress or tension. Release the need to engage with this tension. Love would ask you to see that person as separate from you. Outside the container of your own experience. They have their own personal perspective that directs their behavior. They are not ‘doing to you’, but acting out of their own experience of the world, separate from your experience. Love might ask you to have a sit down talk with your boss, empathic, non judgmental, asking for their point of view. Love might ask you to send a card to your sister simply stating your warm wishes to her. You get the picture.

3. Then, release these loving actions. Because people respond from their own experience, and you are not in control of that. They may accept what you say or do, or push it away. That is not your business or about you. But because you are separate, you don’t have a need to control their response. There is tremendous freedom in this.

So pause and ask yourself “What would love do now?” And begin with yourself.

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Tips to a New Mindset in 10 Seconds

April 1, 2015

Re-Framing the Picture: Spring Back to Optimism

The sun was gloriously spilling through my kitchen window this week, with the Vernal Equinox, the angle of light announced that winter was passing and spring was slipping in. I was sipping my morning coffee, drinking in the sunshine. Sitting with this glow, my eyes began to see all the new dirt that had accumulated. The blizzards left grit on the windows.The cobwebs I hadn’t been able to see in the gloom of winter. My good mood began to fade, and within seconds I had shifted my viewpoint from the hope of spring to ‘when am I going to find time to clean?’ From drinking in the sunshine to slipping down the muddy slope of anxiety and ill-humor. Yes, I am a human being, and that’s what I do. How about you?

This is a simple example, but it has larger implications. Because of this: It is what is at work underneath the slipping down (that’s how I envision it) that is important to reflect on. What are the beliefs you have hidden there (not immediately obvious to you)? Those hidden beliefs are what are at work, deflating your positive desires …….

A thought might come up in your mind, “I want to take that class that sounds so interesting.” Then, the next thought, “But I can’t, the kids need me to make dinner for them.” bursting the hope. ‘What’s underneath that? “No one else can do it, I’m the only one. I come last.”

OR

“It’s time I took that trip to Hawaii I’ve always wanted to take.” Next thought, “But I can’t, Mom’s going through some stuff, and may need care soon, I can’t leave now.” What’s underneath that? “I won’t be a responsible daughter if I take care of myself.” You get the picture. A slipping down, from hope to gloom in a swift moment.

Here is what you can do instead.
1. Pay attention — be aware of your thinking.
2. Ask yourself, ‘Is this really true?”
3. Dig deeper — what are my beliefs below the surface?
4. Give yourself permission to return to the positive — to honor your desires.
5. Know you are human, and give yourself credit.

Practice the process. And let love and joy slide in.

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